'Cause we need someone who's going to be committed this year. If you don't know what this is, search the boards for previous years.
1. A chapter will be posted everyday, voting lasts 24 hours via the rep system. Then a new chapter is posted, etc. If inactivity happens to be an issue on some particular day (say July 4th), voting may be extended.
2. Decisions will either be multiple choice (sometimes with an "other" option) or open response.
3. As in previous years, author has the right to veto shitty decisions regarding open response questions.
4. The story ends on July 11th, real time. I expect about 20ish chapters.
Today is a special exception. You're going to create a character and backstory. This process lasts 5 days, and you're still going to vote via the rep system. After this is done, I will post a prologue followed by the first actual decision to make. You may make your character and backstory as simple or complicated as you like. Elements that you could potentially include:
- Name (this is actually mandatory)
- What has happened to the character in the months leading up to Yugioh Nationals
- Anecdotes that in some way define who the character is
- Yugioh deck preferences
- Info on where the character is from
- Sexual preferences
The story so far...
That’s right motherfucker, you’re Josh Graham, and this is your story of the Yu-Gi-Oh! Trading Card Game North American World Championship Qualifier. And you know what? It’s about goddamn time. Anyone would be a fucking moron to not think you’re the best duelist, and every legend has its tale. You’ve already reassured your friends1 that you’ve broken the format with five different decks, and as far as you’re concerned, this championship is as good as yours. You’ve been training on rapid combination ideas for quick takedowns for as long as you can remember, and the fact is that you are one of few who have the tools needed to succeed in this tournament (although they are available for purchase for only $97).
You pack all of the top tier decks in the format2, a backup 60-card Gladiator Beast deck, in just case, along with your clothes (some that fit you a bit tightly) and other basic essentials. You board your flight, written off your taxes as a business expense of Card Sharp Pro, LLC. Actually no, that’s a fucking lie. You’re Josh Graham, why the fuck would you need to pay your taxes? On the plane your overabundance of gut fat jiggles with excitement; there’ll be so much to do. Duelists to humiliate, cards to steal, you might even get to have sex with Adam Corn again (tops expire after a year, but bottoms are forever)! During the plane ride you’ll have a lot to think about. You’ll be landing around 1 PM, so you’ll have plenty of time to do whatever. You think you’ve got it figured out. When the plane lands, the first thing you’re going to do is…
A. Go to the tournament venue to playtest, trade, steal, and cube draft.
B. Go to the hotel and see who you’ll be spending the weekend with.
C. Indulge yourself in Detroit’s quality American cuisine. It’s already been 2 hours since you last ate.
D. Go to the slums of Detroit and try to pick up a prostitute.
You feel quite compelled to go to the slums of Detroit and pick up a prostitute. After all, you’ll need something to brag about in the unlikely event that you scrub out of the tournament, don’t steal any cards, don’t get complimented by all of the Yugioh pros, and don’t win any cube drafts.
Born and raised on the streets of Mexico by the cartel, you’re quite well-versed in the ways of acquiring a prostitute. You ask your cab driver to take you to the heart of the slums, to the street corner with the highest population density of prostitutes. “Oh yeah, I get asked that all of the time. Be sure to get the one with the nice boobies.” says your cab driver in a stereotypical Indian accent.
The cab driver takes you to your stop, and you have no problem locating the large-boobed prostitute.
“Hey are you looking for a good time?” Says the gargantuan-breasted hooker, ironically reflecting upon the fact that this is Detroit, objectively one of the worst cities in America. There are no good times to be found here.
“Yeah, I’d like your top to expire in less than a year, if you get what I’m saying.”
“I’d like to explore your format.”
“... Do you want to buy me or not?”
“Yeah, I want to take my overpowered deck to your metagame and then I want you to blow my established field and let me release my floodgate all over your face.”
“Oh sure, I didn’t know what you meant at first, right this way.”
The hooker directs you to a nearby abandoned building to do the deed. It’s Detroit, so pretty much every building is abandoned. Seems normal. Once you get inside, the door closes, and there are two cops. “Hands behind your back!” It turns out that you must have picked the wrong oversized-titties hooker, and she was actually an undercover cop the whole time!
“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights?”
“Do you know who I am? I’m Josh Fucking Graham! Of course I can afford an attorney you dumb fucks.”
It turns out that most of your currency is in Canadian dollars and Mexican pesos, so at the moment you actually can’t afford an attorney. However you do have one phone call, which you figure should be used on someone who’s likely to bail you out of jail so you can least play in Yugioh nationals. Maybe after you win the whole thing, the Detroit Police Department will consider dropping the charges. Who you gonna call? (Hint: Not Ghostbusters)
You decide to contact the only soul in our universe who might genuinely care about your best interests (although you suspect that the chances are quite slim), and that's your ex-girlfriend Anna. After three rings, Kristopher Perovic picks up. Awkward...
"I fucked ur gf so hard up the ass last night lol"
"Fuck you Kris, hand Anna the phone."
"Why should I do that?"
"On second thought, I think you can help me. I'm in jail, and this call is being recorded. I'm sure your wife and your job would love to find out that you're sleeping with yugiwhores. Pay my bail, and we can forget this all happened."
So after blackmailing the great Kristopher Perovic, it looks like you're out of jail, for now anyways. Before you leave, you're informed that you're being charged with one count of soliciting a prostitute, one count of grand theft from xXShadowXx, and several counts of tax evasion. Your court date is in a month. Better find a good lawyer.
Luckily, you had time to eat while you were in jail. You don't have much time to pre-register, so you head over to the venue as soon as you can. It's time to fill out your decklist. You know you could destroy the field with any deck, but you have to make a choice now. Which deck are you going to play?
Except you already know what you’re going to play. Mentally, you’re already prepared for your winner’s interview, “You’d be a moron if you aren’t fucking playing Worm Lynx/Snipe Hunter control.” In preparation for the event, you created a multi-account on DuelistGroundz.com (Cardtheorist, because you're the greatest card theorist ever) and posted your deck to see how the public would react. Surely enough, the plebs on DuelistGroundz.com seem completely unprepared for the monstrosity that you’re about to unleash upon this event. You haven’t had much of a chance to test your matchups, but you do know for a fact that your deck has a 100% matchup against Mason Olivers, which you estimate will make up 0.1% of the field.
You fill out your decklist, turn it in, and receive your mat and whatever other useless goodies WCQs give out these days. There are still a few duelists lingering about. You see a few of your archrivals scattered throughout the room. You don’t want to make too much of a commotion before the event starts. After all, walking around with a deck that’s poised to completely shatter the metagame is a bit like walking around with an atomic bomb. Talk to too many people, and your secret might get out. However, you’re definitely sure that you want to start shit with one these faggots tonight before you go check out your hotel. Who are you going to approach and try to intimidate?
A. Kristopher Perovic: The faggot who’s fucking your ex-girlfriend in the ass, but did just bail you out of jail. But you’re fucking Josh Graham, someone just helping you out in the best way possible is completely irrelevant.
B. Patrick Hoban: Some ugly faggot who stole your premier writing position on ARG and has largely been outclassing you as a player ever since. This must end now. Anyone would be a fucking moron to think that Patrick Hoban is better than you.
C. Allen Pennington: Is trying to tarnish your reputation in the Yugioh community with his so called “War on Scumbaggery.” Being the scumbag that you are, maybe you should start your own “War on Faggot DGz Mods.”
D. Earl Ratliff aka Pharaoh Atem: Wrote the most brutal review possible of your flagship product, the ultimate tool for the improvement of any Yugioh player, Card Sharp Pro. Things like this are not forgiven very easily.
You approach Earl. For some reason he’s helping the judges lay out the table cloths for the main event tomorrow. You couldn’t possibly find a bigger faggot in the entire room3, and you’re ready to humiliate him so bad that he’s going to… you actually don’t know what he’s going to do. Whatever it is that DGz admin, Philosophy PhD, certifiably crazy, large-afro'd, African American men who are in attendance for a Yugioh WCQ do after getting schooled by the greatest player alive.
“Hello Joshua.” Says Earl in the calmest, squeakiest, whitest voice that a black man could possibly have.
“It’s time to settle this now!”
“That review that you left for Card Sharp Pro? Back where I come from, we’d murder your family for doing something like that. Although admittedly, the cartels are a bit brutal in that regard4, and I don’t think you have any family here.”
“I’m sorry Joshua, but your service is objectively5 bad value. I feared that I had not gone into enough detail in my review, as time was of the essence, so I turned my review into a full-blown research paper.” He hands you a stack of paper. There appear to be hundreds of pages.
“What the fuck…”
“Oh and I forgot, here are my sources, MLA format.” He hands you a smaller stack of papers.
You’ve had enough of this bullshit. You need to make him shut up once and for all. You need to make him rethink his life. You need to shake him up so bad that the average word-count for his DuelistGroundz.com posts will fall below 50 words. This is fucking serious. How are you going to handle this?
A. Go through the stack of papers and try to find grammatical errors.
B. Challenge him to a duel.
C. Challenge him to a poetry slam competition.
D. Just start beating the shit out of him.
“No excuses Atem. It’s time to settle this like real men!”
“Oh fuck, you’re going to beat the shit out of me, aren’t you?”
“No, what kind of faggot resorts to violence to solve their problems? It’s poetry time, motherfucker!”
A crowd gathers around you, the floor beneath you rises up to become a stage. And you know just how to knock him off his overly-educated high horse. You decide to keep it simple, while appealing to his unhealthy love for Japanese culture. This haiku might go down as one of the greatest of all time.
Josh Graham, card master
Card Sharp improves you faster
You’re a huge bastard
The crowd cheers. You were pretty sure you heard at least one “I love you Josh.” Fucking faggot. You step off the stage. You’d be surprised if Earl even tries to beat you.
Except you made one error. “Pharaoh Atem” is in fact wearing his millenium puzzle. He appears to undergo an unearthly transformation as the spirit that lives within his puzzle begins to take over. The lights dim, the beat drops, and Earl Ratliff’s alter ego, the hiphop sensation Earl Sweatshirt, is all that stands before you now. You can feel the sheer force of his swag radiating throughout the room. He pulls out a mic and drops the dopest lines you’ve ever heard.
Attention Mr. Graham
Have you even heard?
I’m flagging you as spam
Soon’s a relative word
I have a few health issues
But tonight I ain’t dyin’
I’m about to diss you
You gon’ be cryin’
You have no friends
No life and no future
I have The Org and
I’m on fucking Odd Future
Your knowledge is limited
My swag unlimited
Your girl, I’m hittin’ it
A blunt, just lit it
Couldn’t get a prostitute
I’ll put you in an institute
Fuck up, you’ll get the boot
I got admin, access root
Got connects with Julia
And here I am schoolin’ ya
Easy when I’m duelin’ ya
Wouldn’t want to fool ya
I’ve won the internet
Beat every threat
Treat you like a pet
This shit gets better yet
Nats ain’t a cinch
‘Specially for a bitch
I’m glad to be a snitch
Stop your scummy tricks
My hustle all real
Dunno what’s the deal
You just wanna steal
Never learn to feel
My skills, you can’t handle it
Know rulings, game mechanics, and player management
Learned only from the best
Passed every judge test
So don’t you fuckin’ mess
I know every judge nigga
From the east to the west
Step out of my hood
Go back to where it’s greener
You fuckin’ know you should
You ugly faggot beaner
Imma get you with my gat
So you better not fight
Oh, you’re also fat
Your clothing ain’t tight
Your cards ain’t sharp
You flop like a Magikarp
You ain’t a fucking pro
And you got no bros
Two hours later, he’s still stringing together rhymes without even breaking a sweat. For some reason, there is a word counter displayed above him and he’s well into five digits. The venue is closing up, the crowd declares Earl Sweatshirt the winner, and he transforms back into his more earthly form, appearing slightly confused, as hours of time have passed without his knowledge.
“Wait, where’s everyone going? Not again! I didn’t have time to cite my sources!”
And you thought his Card Sharp Pro review was humiliating? This is magnitudes worse. What do you do now?
A. Go back to the hotel and try to forget this ever happened. You came here to win the WCQ, and that’s just what you’re going to do. Worm Lynx loves you, and you still have much to live for.
B. Kill yourself. You just got out-rhymed by some guy from the internet and there are several criminal charges filed against you. You have nothing left to live for. (Earl becomes the new main character of the story.)
It's late at night. You go back to your hotel in shame after being humiliated by Earl once again. You just hope to avoid him for the rest of the weekend. Hopefully one of the other five judges present will come to your table if you ever have a ruling question (or cheat).
When you get your hotel you see your therapist. He insisted on coming on the trip with you in case something bad happened.
"It's pretty late Joshy. How'd your day go?"
"Well I was held in jail for most of the day, then upon being released was immediately confronted by a black man with a personality disorder. Other than that, my day was about average."
"Oh, well that's nice. I think it's about time we go to sleep now. I've been waiting for you all day."
"Well, I'm also thinking of killing myself. I'm not sure if I have much to live for anymore."
"Now Joshy, we've talked about this before. Thoughts create emotions. You control your thoughts, you control your emotions. Thoughts create emotions. Repeat after me Joshy, thoughts create emotions."
"Thoughts create emotions."
"You control your thoughts, you control your emotions."
"You control your thoughts, you control your emotions."
"I love you Joshy."
"I love you too, unnamed therapist character."
After copious amounts of buttsex, you and your therapist fall asleep in each others' arms. You feel as though your life now has a renewed purpose. You wake up the next feeling refreshed, with your head up and a wet anus. You get to the venue, with an hour until the tournament starts. What would you like to do in the meantime?
A. Steal cards
B. Walk up to random people and brag about your previous accomplishments
C. Bribe judges and tournament staff
D. Other (post suggestions)
With an hour to go before the tournament starts and a ginormous room filled with thousands of duelists, at first you’re not really sure who to talk to and how to take advantage of them. But then you remember the five B’s of Josh Graham: Burgle, Brag, Bribe, Bargain, and Burgle.
“Hi, I’m Josh Graham. You’ve probably heard of me.”
“Hey, you want to trade?”
While you’re both looking at each other’s trade binders, you slide his deckbox from the table into your bag, take your binder back, and move on to make conversation with another average duelist.
“Did you know that I’ve won a YCS, have the most Mexican local top8s, invented Gladiator Beasts, invented Wind-Ups, and that my ex-girlfriend Anna Coons sucked 37 dicks?”
“In a row?”
“Hey judge, I’m Josh Graham. I’m pretty much the best human-being you will ever meet.”
“Oh yeah, pleasure to meet you.”
“Well here’s $100.”
“Wow, what a nice guy. I guess he understands that I’m getting virtually no compensation to judge this event and wanted to pay it forward.”
“Hey, my name’s Josh Graham, you seem like an upstanding gentleman with absolutely zero chance of doing well at this event. Well I’ve got the perfect deal for you...”
“Go suck a bag of hairy horse cocks.”
“Hey, look everyone, free money!”
You throw a bunch of CSP $5 off coupons in air, then amidst the confusion you manage to steal three more binders. And thus the five B’s of Josh Graham are complete. Round 1 pairings are going up. Lucky for you, you got paired against a complete random. How do you want to take this one down?
A. Play an actual clean match of Yugioh (70% chance of victory, 29% chance of losing, 1% chance of drawing)
B. Cheat your way to victory (90% chance of victory, 10% chance of being DQed, but you can cash in your bribe to avoid the DQ)
C. Cash in your bribe to get your opponent DQed on bullshit charges (100% chance of victory)
D. Other (post suggestions)
1: Although what’s a “friend” really? “People that like me who I take advantage of” would probably be more accurate.
2: Yes, it must be nice. You're Josh Fucking Graham. You have the power to purchase or (preferably) steal any card you need.
3: You already tried to locate Adam Corn, since bottoms are forever, and you’re still kinda horny after not being about to fuck the prostitute.
4: The Mexican cartel does in fact have a perfect rating on yelp. Fear goes a long way.
5: You fucking hate it when people use the word ‘objectively.’ Word is for faggots. People who think they’re smart and shit.