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Ocelot

Spring Break

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»Ocelot    2319

I wrote this for a contest. The guidelines are that it has to be related to spring break, and that it can only have ten lines -- no more, no less.

INT. POLICE STATION INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT

A DETECTIVE sits quietly in a small room. There's nothing

other than a dim light, a cheap table and one other person.

Opposite the officer is a YOUNG MAN, ostensibly in his late

teens or very early twenties. He's visibly shaken, and he

struggles to maintain eye contact with the detective.

DETECTIVE

Let's start with something, well,

easy. What was the party for?

The young man's eyes dart toward the detective, before slowly

easing away once again.

The young man swallows, swallows again, and then speaks.

YOUNG MAN

It's spring break.

As if those three words were enough to drain every last ounce

of strength from him, the young man instantly slouches in his

chair.

DETECTIVE

I guess you don't need an excuse at

your age, huh?

The detective smiles at the youth, hoping to prompt a smile

in return. Calling him unsuccessful would be an

understatement.

After pausing for a brief moment, the detective takes a

cigarette out of his coat pocket. He then grabs another and

offers it to the young man sitting across from him.

DETECTIVE (CONT'D)

Something to calm the nerves?

The young man shakes his head.

The detective puts the second cigarette down on the table

before lighting his own. He calmly inserts it between his

lips, inhales, and then takes it between his index and middle

fingers.

DETECTIVE (CONT'D)

You already know why you're here.

(beat.) Someone died tonight.

Tears start to well up in the young man's eyes. He starts

shaking -- not significantly, but visibly. His eyes fixate on

the ground, as if he's unable to look anywhere else.

DETECTIVE (CONT'D)

I know. It's rough. It's rough on

me too. I knew her -- not that

well, but I knew who she was. And

now she's dead, and you're one of

the only people who knows anything.

You're going have to give me

something.

The young man begins shaking feverishly for a few seconds,

before finally managing to regain his composure.

The detective takes another puff on his cigarette.

YOUNG MAN

It's because I fucked her.

The detective's eyes widen as the cigarette falls out of his

mouth.

DETECTIVE

(shocked)

What?

The youth finally manages to look the detective in the eyes.

YOUNG MAN

(calmly)

I fucked her in the bathroom at the

party. It's spring break, you know?

It's wild. So we talked a bit at

school, agreed to meet at the

party, and then we fucked. It was

nice, too. Cause I'd never fucked

anybody before, so I enjoyed it.

And then after we finished, we just

went back to the party. But someone

must've seen us, because her

boyfriend came up to her and

started calling her a whore and a

slut and asking who she slept with

and why she'd cheat on him, stuff

like that. And they argued for a

bit... I couldn't hear what they

were saying, because I didn't want

to get too close... but after a

couple of minutes he punched her

square in the face, and she fell

over onto the floor. (beat.) But I

guess he hit harder than he meant

to, because blood was gushing from

her nose -- cascading, even. It was

everywhere.

So he ran, and a lot of other

people did too, and I walked over

to check her pulse, and... she was

dead. Gone. (beat.) I'd had sex

with her not twenty minutes ago,

and then she was dead. And it made

me think -- why didn't she just

give me up? She barely knew me.

He'd have punched me instead,

right? And then we'd probably both

be alive. But now she's dead, all

because I wanted to get laid, and

because I guess she cared more

about me than I cared about her.

The young man breaks into tears, and his head collapses into

his hands.

The detective looks on in a mix of stunned silence and calm

understanding. He looks around the room, as if someone else

is there to aid him in consoling the youth, but he's all

alone.

The young man stops sniffling just a little bit, then looks

up at the detective from his tear soaked hands.

YOUNG MAN (CONT'D)

(sniffling)

Can I go now?

FADE TO BLACK.

  • Upvote 4

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»Ocelot    2319

This is really good. Do you have any other material? I'd love to read it.

I have one I wrote a couple days ago about a couple who can't conceive. Should I just make this the thread where I post all my stuff?

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Bazoo    5700

Very nice structure and timing. I was a little hesitant about the dialogue at first, but after saying some lines out loud I really like it. Only two things that I think could make a big difference:

Let's start with something, well,

easy. What was the party for?

Probably should just cut the "well" in there. I feel as if it breaks up the line, when otherwise it would be an effective way to set the situation.

I fucked her in the bathroom at the

party.

I feel like this should just be "I fucked her at the party." I feel like the fact about it being just a "bathroom fuck" is way cooler when revealed a little bit farther down the line.

Also,

I couldn't here what they

were saying

obv. should be "hear"

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»Ocelot    2319

Definitely agreed on the bathroom thing. I tried to include the "well" as a way for the detective to show hesitation and try to connect with the kid, whereas leaving it out might seem like he's too hard-nosed. After reading it a couple times out loud in various fashions I like it more without the "well" though.

ty for your input!

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