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atop a green hill of a landscape at dawn

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»◌ ◌ ◌    4267
atop a green hill of a landscape at dawn
a glass house stood not far
walk through the door and inside you are
out the glass window the sunrise so strong
walk down the hall and a kitchen you see
oh how these grays are so gray to me
 
atop a green hill of a landscape at dawn
a glass house stood not far
walk through the door and inside you are
out the glass window the sunrise so strong
walk down the hall 
a kitchen ignored
a man and woman stand arm in arm
smiling ear to ear
"bonjour!" said the woman
 
atop a green hill of a landscape at dawn
a glass house stood not far
walk through the door and inside you are
out the glass window the sunrise so strong
walk down the hall 
a kitchen ignored
a man and woman stand arm in arm
smiling ear to ear
"Did you see the sun?" asked the woman
turn to the window and see and see
this sunrise is magical to me
 
atop a green hill of a landscape at dawn
stood a glass house not far
walk through the door and inside you are
out the glass window the sunrise so strong
walk down the hall 
a man and woman stand arm in arm
smiling ear to ear
"Hi" said the woman
"Hello" I repiled
Greeting the man with a fist bump
I turn to the window to see what I saw
this sunrise is just for me I thought
this sunrise is just for me
 
atop a green hill of a landscape at dawn
stood a glass house not far
walk through the door and inside you are
out the glass window the sunrise was strong
a man and woman sat at a table
"How are you?" she asked
"I'm okay" I replied
the man stared at a wall
stung by too many bees that was all
I turn to the window to see what I saw
this sunrise is just for me I saw
 
atop a green hill of a landscape at dawn
stood a glass house not far
walk through the door and inside you are
out the glass window: the sunrise
a man and woman stood around
I turn to the window to see what I saw
this sunrise is just for me I saw
 
atop a green hill of a landscape at dawn
stood a glass house not far
walk through the door and inside you are
the sunrise I saw
 
atop a green hill at dawn stood a glass house
inside you are
no longer real the sunrise you saw
soon you'll be at a breakfast bar
 
atop a green hill of a landscape at dawn stood a glass house
inside a domesticated pig and her dog on a leash
their view of the sunrise means nothing to me
and there's still more to see
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SageRhapsody    342

I enjoyed this

 

As did I. I love the pattern you wrote this with, it works very well. (Not sure what the actually literary device is called.)

If you wouldn't mind a tiny bit of constructive criticism:

In all the poem flowed very nicely and was great to read, except for two little parts which kinda blared out at me while I was reading.

 

Greeting the man with a fist bump"Hello" I repiled
Hi" said the woman
"Hello" I repiled
Greeting the man with a fist bump
 
Not sure if this is this is just me nit picking, but I feel as if the colloquialism "fist bump" kinda detracts from the poem. Also;
 

 

 soon you'll be at a breakfast bar
Dunno if I'm missing something but I didn't really understand the relevance of a breakfast bar to the poem, and it kinda felt like you were just stuck for things to rhyme. I think it's okay if the last line doesn't rhyme if it means it can correlate better.
 

Again, I loved the poem a lot, it was really powerful; but that was my two cents. Was a pleasure reading, I hope to see more! 

 

EDIT: My god I can't get this fucking BBCode to coperate and I don't want to re-write the whole post. I hope the formatting doesn't give you ebola

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