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I don't normally post but I need advice

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Silver    967

For the past few months, I have been seeing this chick. At first we met during Chem class during a winter session course. She was really shy at first and so was I but after a few jokes, we seemed to click.  I didn't really like her at that point but she tells me she has a boyfriend, which at that point, it didn't really matter since she was just a classmate. So after that we spent pretty much every single day going to class and then going to a study center until 8-9pm around my school everyday for 3 weeks, usually grabbing a bite to eat if we were both hungry. We both enjoyed each other's company a lot and still do to this day. I always make her laugh and she always understands what I am saying and she always did this awkward/funny stuff that made me laugh too. For some reason, we always seemed to know what each other is saying, even with weird stuff that I think only her and I understood. 

So now we both have spring semester and we have the same chem class since we both felt that getting the harder teacher was for the best. It was around two times a week and this was pretty much the time I saw her other than the occasional Tuesday when we would see each other. At this point, I was still eh about her but I really liked her as far as hanging out.

Her birthday was coming up and I kinda felt like getting something since it was her birthday. So I got her this inexpensive but thoughtful necklace that relates to a show that she enjoys and a item that relates to something that she likes to do as far as a hobby. A guy or two gave a her a hug and a happy birthday and so did I. But then I gave her the gift, she just smiled and auto-knew what it was and she said it was the best thoughtful gift she has ever gotten. The second gift she didnt understand but then I explained it and she started laughing that it was super cute. After that we spent most of the day together and the end, she said it was her best birthday ever, even though I told her jokingly that was kinda sad XD

A a couple weeks after her birthday she doesn't want to hangout for a week straight. So I am like, "ok. Ill give her space." and then she wants to hangout all of a sudden again and I am like ok. Pretty much going with flow. 

So pretty much every week from there we would visit around her house, visiting little restuarants and even going to gamestop at somepoint and laughing at everything. 

I am kinda starting to like her but I am still unsure but I am ok with being her friend.

Then again, she starts being more distant with me. I never really made a move  but it all seemed fine after hanging out. I text her why she has being acting so weird and she says she has alot going on. Ask her "what's up" and she doesn't respond.

Don't know what to do because I want be a really good friend. Her best friend. idk. 

edit: ill post more. 

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petqwe    286

"she has a boyfriend"

I think this explains everything?

 

Disclaimer: never had a gf

 

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Sophocles    2904

If you really just want to be a good friend to her, you just tell her (in person) that you have the feeling she's being distant etc, basically what you said, ask her if that's right, and if so, why she's acting that way. Just clear communication about what you are picking up from her behaviour and why she's doing what she's doing.

 

You might have to make a choice between swallowing your feelings and staying friends or talking about them and risk losing her as a friend.

 

off-topic: i don't know what you did but on the Blueboh theme the OP is unreadable because it's written in a dark font

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Silver    967

Yeah I kinda tried and she just she said she has alot going on. Which I kinda understand since she has a boyfriend and finals. 

I am just going to step back a little and let things happen. 

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Aaron    1996

life is short. live with no regrets. 

it sounds like you've fallen for her despite her having a boyfriend. 

its not the worst thing in the world but i feel bad for you as you sound awfully invested and obsessed. I fear she doesn't actually value you as much as you value her. i hope I'm wrong. 

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Silver    967

tbh I don't know really how I feel about her

 

anyway, I didn't text her at all over the weekend and we talked about it this past monday. She brought up that it wasn't me and I am alright.

 

Randomly during class, she gets a call from her boyfriend and she randomly leaves.

 

Welp. 

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Wolfywolf.    17

I've been in these situations before where I''m into someone who is currently seeing someone else. You kind of just have to ride it out, don't expect anything but a friendship in most situations, especially if the relationship she has is healthy. If eventually it breaks down and she leaves whoever shes with you just have to proceed from there. If she shows major interest ask her on a few dates. It will be a weird friend love interest hybrid but it has to happen. Who knows she may have some feelings for you but can't say or do anything about it without jeopardizing her relationship, if thats the case if and when she splits up with this current guy she may be really open to revisiting her initial feelings. Just play it day by day and week by week. Keep us updated on  major developments btw. 

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Silver    967

Yeah I can update.

This past week, she kept acting weird.

I actually started to show disinterest because I actually started to feel like it and she started to panic a little. She randomly started to bring up things she wanted to do with me and I just played along. She even made a song playlist for me to listen to about songs that she loves. So I decided to give it a listen. I really do get excited although when she wants me to know her better. Like I am actually generally excited. 

I really like her (as a friend or whatever) but now it has just gotten awkward tho.

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Wolfywolf.    17

Again just focus on a friendship for the time being, let things come to you. Let the foundation settle and take things in stride.

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Silver    967

Yea like right now I am busy with stuff and she probably is too I guess. So yea I am just focusing on my stuff and jut chilling at this point. 

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Silver    967

welp

We started to walk and talk again, mostly me taking her home.

We got into a conversation about me and she started talking about one of best friend guy friends. She pretty much compared me to him except for the fact that I am not annoying or clingy. She also said something about having child-like characteristics.

Also tried going in for a hug. Rejected. 

but she has texted me a few times this morning. replied once but now I am not really feeling the mojo. 

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Jazz    5024

Sounds like you're sending her mixed messages. In my opinion it's not really appropriate to give a girl that's just a friend jewelry as a gift. I would say if you weren't attracted to her at first and still aren't it's not worth pursuing a physical relationship now or ever.

In my opinion you have two options to clarify how you feel to her:

(1) Apologize for the mixed signals and the awkward birthday gift. Explain that you want a platonic relationship and you were just trying to be nice.

(2) Gradually hang out less and don't talk about it.

No matter what you should focus on meeting other girls who are actually attractive to you and don't come with this baggage.

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Silver    967

Yeah and I've been doing that. It's been pretty nice. I'm getting a car soon of my own which is gunna be nice to go to bars and kick-backs

 

Also so told her I play and sell yugioh... Lel

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Silver    967

@Jazz the thing is, I really don't know how I feel about her. Like some days I'll think of her all day and others it's meh. 

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Jazz    5024
18 minutes ago, Silverdude said:

@Jazz the thing is, I really don't know how I feel about her. Like some days I'll think of her all day and others it's meh. 

Distancing yourself from her for X amount of time will help clear your thoughts. Ultimately you need to figure this out for yourself, right?

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DarkBlaze557    2106

Here's what I see:

Interest on both sides, neither side knowing what they want out of it.

You really should just open up and say that you're interested (assuming you still are). "Hey, I know you have a boyfriend and everything, but I need to be up front. I'm beginning to really like you and I enjoy your company a lot." That sort of thing. Just get the feelings shit out in the open, because it'll just continue to be more and more awkward if you don't.

Doing that essentially puts the ball in her court. If her and her boyfriend aren't serious, she has the opportunity to recognize that there may be something better. Or it could go the other way where she doesn't want to break that off and doesn't want to be romantic with you.

Either way, the two of you need to have the "Define the Relationship" talk.

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Silver    967

So update. 

So after a few weird weeks, this is the most distant she has been with me. 

It started off when I went for a hug and got rejected. 

Then I made a bad joke, with her, she got it but she said" I get it but it's not funny" 

and now during class, she sat a seat away from me, with some other people in the class wondering what happened between us. 

I didn't even try to walk with her after to go to lab

Then she started opening up a little and laughing but she still was in a bad mood/ignoring me. She ask for help but tbh, I did help her but in the inside I was like fuck you. Like I felt you shit on me.

i stayed a little longer and she did too since I was turning in assignments. We sat together and just talked about stuff. At one point she asked me if I use the word "dude" a lot. Which confused the shit out of me. 

Then while we were walking, I asked her about jobs, since we heard about schools being more accepting of people with jobs. She then brought up her boyfriend and how he is going back to her school for engineering starting in the summer. Now I understand fully.

So then she asked me if I was going to tutor or not, which I said no and she said she was going home or staying. She ended up going home.

we usually walked together home since her house is on the train home but she decided she wanted to take the bus. She knew I didn't take the bus so I asked her if she wanted to walk to the bus stop. She denied me and talked about how she wanted to listen to music and not ignore me, which I reluctantly understood and then walked away. 

 

Brb gunna go drown my sorrows in dn

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»Pharaoh Atem    15763

You need to spend some quality time asking yourself what you believe is appropriate conduct for a platonic relationship, and then ask yourself if what you've done actually fits.

Like, me, people know I have no romantic interest in them and I'll get them nice bday gifts anyway, because that's just who I am: I'm Earl Ratliff, I make your life better (even if only marginally so).

I agree with the others who said you sent mixed messages.

The reason I don't have this problem of mixed messages is because I make my intentions clear. You, frankly, don't seem to have done that.


I kind of wonder if she feels ridic uncomfortable around you and don't wanna come right out and say it.

Either way, I don't think it wise for you to be sorrowful about this. You knew she was taken, point blank, early on. 


You also gotta ask yourself if you're really all that interested in, or capable of, any sort of meaningful platonic relationship.

You also gotta ask yourself why you think about her a bunch on some days. Someone being on your mind, and you being grateful that they're a part of your life, doesn't mean you're automatically wanting to romance the person. 


I don't think you're gonna be able to solve this without asking yourself some hard questions 

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Silver    967

yeah and that's what I did today.

At first, I was not paying attention to her since she had been really distant.I was mainly focused on our lab pratical. But again, we somehow ended up talking since she needed some help for class. After class, I went to tutoring and a few minutes after, she walks in. But she totally dodges me and sits down somewhere else. We did not talk. 

It was awkward because she looked like she was behind in some stuff from class and I felt that I wanted to help her. But I didn't and she just left without completing much work. 

I felt awful and I just texted her saying ay, and asking her if she was alright. She said no, that I looked like I was mad at her and but she said whatever. 

I made my feelings clear and yeah, she said it felt unfair to her that she was not attracted to me. I honestly did agree but I wanted to help her, my gut was telling me to.

 

At first, she talked about how she did not feel like talking to people lately and that I did not know her well enough to know that. I asked politely why, and she said I did not know her well enough for her to say anything about it. 

She said not to care about her since I was just a friend, which I brought up that I just tried to be a good friend. But she just wanted a friend. A normal platonic-non-sexual-friend. She even brought up how she wanted me to be like her guy best friend. I was fucked. 

But she brought up something interesting, that she hoped one day that she would be talking about me and all my successes. It was weird but that was the nicest compliment I have recieved in a while. Like this girl, when she is not upset, is so fucken awesome. 

and I hated that she has been so upset. 

After that was settled, she seemed more at ease and to be honest, I did too.

 

To Be Continued................................

 

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Wumbologist    14202

I can't figure out what you're saying tbh. I can't even tell if she really wants to be your friend or not. It sounds like she alternates between hot and cold on you, which is probably based on however her relationship with her boyfriend is going that day. Maybe she's just using you to get help on her school work. Regardless, she seems to have made it clear she doesn't want anything more than a friendship. If you want more than that then you need to get away. Even if you think you can settle for just being friends, you probably can't. You don't need to act like she doesn't exist anymore, just be polite when you see her at school and leave it at that. 

 

If you don't have any non-platonic feelings for her then stop overcomplicating things and just be a normal friend. You're caring way too much about someone who doesn't seem to be reciprocating that level of care. You're wasting too much energy trying to interpret these signals that may not even really exist. 

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Silver    967

Well what I don't get is what she wants in a friend.

She does tell me "oh I just want somebody that I can have fun with" but the weird thing is she has gotten in this shitty mood. and she has not acted like this from all the time that you have known her. Like if you want somebody you want to have fun with and to not care when you seem in a really bad mood?

To me, it is not fair that she all of a sudden gets to dictate what the she wants for a friend. Like if you are going to spend all that time with me and then go super cold, like what the fuck. 

I am just going to be polite like you say, and I don't know, just not care as much back. 

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Telvin123    387
7 hours ago, Silverdude said:

To me, it is not fair that she all of a sudden gets to dictate what the she wants for a friend.

What? Why not?

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Silver    967
4 hours ago, Telvin123 said:

What? Why not?

I guess she can haha.

I was just upset. 

I think I need to relax about this. 

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