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markus

why do i never think i am wrong?

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markus    2070

i very honestly cannot feel like i am at fault at times.

 

i will fight people and fight people and think that my opinions are perfectly flawless.

 

when people think i'm doing something wrong i always think someone is out to get me.

 

i always try to rationalize it with something like "this definitely wasn't the intention of this", for example, the one thread in csk that i got banned for for using communist definitions, there was no way that i thought i was wrong about that, but i mean, it was kind of stupid, so i want to go ahead and say there are serious examples of this actually affecting my life. it's not that uncommon where i will say something that might be insensitive, be it my philosophical beliefs, be it a shitty joke, whatever, i will offend somebody and i'll be like "well that wasn't the point". i didn't know for a very long time that the "point" of things like that doesn't matter, but rather, the actions. that i offended somebody and did something bad. i literally do not know how to apologize, because usually, i'm not doing things that i think are shitty. offending somebody isn't shitty to me. being edgy isn't shitty to me, so if i bother someone about it i'm most likely going to try and explain my way through. "sorry, i didn't mean it like that" or actually, i probably said like "sorry, i didn't mean to offend you" because i legit don't know how to apologize correctly, or i don't have good consistency with developing a strongly executed apology.

 

i guess my question isn't /why/ (because it probably has to do with a victim concept involving my mother abusing and neglecting me as a child) but rather how do i deal with it, where do i go from here? how do i know when i'm wrong and when i am not? how do i do ANYTHING in that type of process. i literally do not know like the average person should know. please fucking help me. i need it.

 

btw, 18 yr old male abusive childhood anger issues hates authority etc etc. ask me anything u think might help yall come up with some answers.

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mark    3104

look into the concept of "victim mentality" if you want to get out of it

basically, everytime something happens, your default response could be to blame others and see yourself as a victim, or it could be to take responsibility and look into what you could've done to prevented it. it's pretty natural, everyone has it, but if you truly want to improve you have to look at everything with the mindset of "what could I have done better here"

 

it's best to assume there was something, because in 99% of cases there was, and even in 1% of cases where it wasnt its still best to assume there was, cause you'll stay in the "self-improvement" mindset instead of the "blaming others"

I also deal with this btw so you're not alone in it, I know what to do, I just don't apply it consistently enough yet 

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As somebody once told me this is hardly the place to deal with an issue like this. With that said, realize you aren't the only person here with demons, childhood drama, etc even if many of us refuse or don't like to admit it. As much as people hate being compared to myself you and I  share many issues. I'd like to think I've got beyond mine but in many ways, I just end up repressing them so I can function until they all come bursting out in the form of an outlet(Refer back to over a year ago when I was a new user). 

 

Look the best thing you can do is find either a professional counselor or if you can't afford that(Lack health insurance etc.) find a friend or just a person you can respect and trust who you can open up too so at least you have a healthy outlet. A professional would be preferable though because ideally, you can move on to the extent that is ever possible from your past and what is holding you back. 

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markus    2070

I've asked about these types of things for years and I know I can actually get worse, but my mom always gets in the way. My mom would probably never let me go to a psychiatrist or anything of the sort. I've tried tons of times. I've talked to my doctor about it with my mom out of the room, how I have problems controlling my anger and myself and how I'm always upset, how I'm literally angry from the moment I wake up to the time I go to sleep on most days, she's always prevented me from being able to. She's been like "he doesn't need a psychiatrist, he just wants attention" which is just really insulting. It usually goes something like that. 

 

I mean yeah I have good friends to vent to that I trust, but with problems like this I figure it'd be best if duelistgroundz could try and help me as a whole. Sometimes I don't know how to break down problems correctly and how to solve them because I only do what I've been doing naturally my whole life. That's why I'm coming to yall cuz I figure a lot of people might be able to tell me what I can do to work on it. My friends usually comfort me or something but that's not what I need. I literally have problems acting and recognizing things. The most I can figure out is /how to avoid messing up/ than /what to do when I do mess up/. That sucks. There will always be a different problem.

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+Gojira    1704
6 hours ago, little bug said:

I've asked about these types of things for years and I know I can actually get worse, but my mom always gets in the way. My mom would probably never let me go to a psychiatrist or anything of the sort. I've tried tons of times. I've talked to my doctor about it with my mom out of the room, how I have problems controlling my anger and myself and how I'm always upset, how I'm literally angry from the moment I wake up to the time I go to sleep on most days, she's always prevented me from being able to. She's been like "he doesn't need a psychiatrist, he just wants attention" which is just really insulting. It usually goes something like that. 

 

I mean yeah I have good friends to vent to that I trust, but with problems like this I figure it'd be best if duelistgroundz could try and help me as a whole. Sometimes I don't know how to break down problems correctly and how to solve them because I only do what I've been doing naturally my whole life. That's why I'm coming to yall cuz I figure a lot of people might be able to tell me what I can do to work on it. My friends usually comfort me or something but that's not what I need. I literally have problems acting and recognizing things. The most I can figure out is /how to avoid messing up/ than /what to do when I do mess up/. That sucks. There will always be a different problem.

If you can, try to get a meeting with a psychiatrist. They are inexpensive if you have insurance, and you can pay with cash. It seems like you are not independent though. From what it sounds like, there is definitely medicine that could be prescribed for your exact issue.

 

Something to try: If you are at home and recognize that you are unreasonably angry, try meditating. Isolate yourself and think calmly about any possible reasons/triggers for your anger. Examine how it has influenced you that day. Obviously, don't beat yourself up over it though, be constructive. 

 

Then, recognize if there are any activities that calm you down. Using "escapes" is totally normal.

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"A personality disorder is a type of mental disorder in which you have a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning and behaving. A person with a personality disorder has trouble perceiving and relating to situations and people. This causes significant problems and limitations in relationships, social activities, work and school.

In some cases, you may not realize that you have a personality disorder because your way of thinking and behaving seems natural to you. And you may blame others for the challenges you face. Personality disorders usually begin in the teenage years or early adulthood. There are many types of personality disorders. Some types may become less obvious throughout middle age." - Mayo Clinic website.

I would not be even remotely surprised if this was relevant to you, @little bug. I'm a mixed/borderline, which sucks, but once you know you have one of these it gets a lot easier to fight. You're not supposed to diagnose/self-diagnose over the Internet, and I'm not an expert, just an older mentally ill person who got a lot better with treatment. But I am 200% sure with your background that some kind of personality disorder is in play here. I have a very similar background to yours, actually. It's not your fault you got fucked up, but it is your problem to fix, and any fucking over of other people is still your fault. This is "normal" for people like us, which is not normal for other people, and it is a constant battle to stay in tune with the rest of humanity.

That said, there is a lot of hope to be had. You can get through it. And if you start experiencing moral panic as your emotional intelligence improves, don't freak out--I did some fairly evil shit when I was younger and you can confront it, own it, accept it, seek atonement, and find some kind of peace--you may even get lucky and be forgiven. I sincerely recommend reading Crime and Punishment. Realize that you are, in some way, Raskolnikov. Damage can be repaired, wounds can heal into scars. You can change, and you can direct that metamorphosis, and accepting the help of others, which you need, requires humility. That you're here asking for help means you recognize the problem, so, that's huge already. If you hate yourself--don't. You're too young for that anyway.

I recommend taking notes, inconspicuously. Journal/diary as much as you can. When you're able to see your thoughts later, once rage or paranoia or despair have subsided, you'll start to pick up on themes and patterns. Listen to @Gojira and @mark. If you're able to balance the two thoughts: 1.) I'm kind of bad at being a person, BUT 2.) I can learn and become better, it'll help you. 

Also, what you suspect is true: largely, people are thin-skinned and fucking stupid, not seeing the forest for the trees, but being an asshole makes you wayyyyy inferior by comparison. A mild level of benevolence keeps the world turning. Your intelligence is not omnipotence. You should genuflect as often as you can and be patient and polite with people. The main reasoning here is that courtesy has social value and people are much much looser with useful information if they feel respected.  You need to try to learn how to be a basic bitch and do pleb things for awhile, to live in their shoes, so you can realize the sum of your humanity gaps and address the cracks. When you genuinely begin to respect others, you can begin to respect yourself. The most useful skill, from being an elitist nerd with poor relationship skills and non-existent emotional regulation, is how to shut the fuck up. You can "win" a lot of "games" by simply not moving. Other people will matter more than you in a lot of contexts, let that happen, don't seek conflict.  

Knowledge != Power. Understanding = Power.

What's funny is, I was a Christian as a kid, hardcore, went agnostic-atheist then to antitheist, and the whole time I kept trying to figure out why people stayed, what the hell faith was supposed to be or feel like? Why did delusion have so much power? Now the funny part: learning about Christianity and what its idealized form is when practiced by good people actually has some useful values and neurolinguistic programming for people like us. Yeah, it's Bronze Age bullshit, but the techniques that 'trick' you into being a better person are effective. If not, I wouldn't be talking about it, it wouldn't be 2017 A.D. The concept of a being that no matter what is better than you, actually better than you not just mom-or-policeman-in-the -sky-better-than-you, but better in pure essence can diminish the excesses of your ego fluctuations.  What's cool about Christianity is that everyone is fucked up to begin with, no one is as good as Jesus, but you're also made in God's image [more accurate translation is 'shadow' according to my theology friend], which is pretty awesome. I still don't know what faith is, but I understand that it's important to people and tiptoeing around it unless it's hurting people is fine. 

Save the philosophical talks with people for times when they want to do that exact thing; assume every other interaction will be marred by trying to make everything a debate. Still an atheist, but I respect people's faith, just not the belief itself, and moral relativism isn't a thing I believe in so I can definitely be like "Jesus Camp is fucked up". Assume everyone's mode of thinking is essentially their religion. People are as rigid as you are but they share a common language that we haven't been taught that makes them flexible. Look into shit like this, just eat as much philosophy and psychology shit as you can. Seek wisdom more than anything.

And most of all, definitely get to a psychiatrist as soon as you are able. My dopamine, norephinephrine, and serotonin receptors were reaaaaaally fucked up from years of child abuse. Several tries, and now, two mood stabilizers and an upper later, I am slowly becoming who I want to be, who I always wanted to be: a good person who understands people and tries to help. If you can't do it now, promise yourself that you will. Seems like you have or will.

You need help giving apologies? You don't get to decide if someone else is hurt by what you say. Random assholes on the Internet don't matter, but the person in front of you does. Remember that you caused psychic pain/stress, and admitting severity is the first most important part. Speech is action to most people, rather than a means of making memes battle each other or build on each other. Assessing the scale of the emotional injury infllicted helps you determine your response. Did you fuck up a little? Say something that got someone looking at you with a frown? Figure out why that hurt them, write it down, understand it, try not to do it. Fuck up big? Like, angry big or crying big or ostracization [of you] big? Be as blunt and honest about it as you can. "I fucked you over, and I regret hurting you. It wasn't my intention, but that doesn't matter because I know I fucked up. Next time I'll _______________[if you can fix it materially, or behaviorally do it. If it can't be fixed with effort well, the least you can do is admit that you know you're an asshole and don't want to be]".

In no way, whatsoever, is a sincere apology ever about you. It's about the other person.

Sorry if this is rambling, it's late in my time zone.

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