»Poet 1 Posted April 17, 2008 A search for something new Something to validate this life, this struggle Running through life, one day at a time Run boy run, like there's something for you tomorrow A whispered promise, driven only by faith Faith in something after all of this In some universal being, a higher power As expansive and breath taking as a skyscraper, a tower One that can be broken down with but a touch Just another promise mixed into such a short life Another belief shot down by reasoning The only thing to remain constant The constant failure So keep running boy, run towards tomorrow Filled with lies Rough draft. Prefer a critique Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
»Social Justice Black Mage 3678 Posted April 17, 2008 its good, i like the second to lastl ine alot Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
D'Haiti 4 Posted April 17, 2008 it's a really abstract flow, to me at least, so i'm not gonna touch that but i have 2 issues with it. 1) constant failure over the constant failure 2) i don't get why you made the skyscraper line so long, nor do i like that it's so long, and then proceed to rhyme. besides that looks fine. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
»Pharaoh Atem 15766 Posted April 17, 2008 My dear Haitian made good points. I feel that the last line throws it off a tiny bit for me as is, though. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
D'Haiti 4 Posted April 17, 2008 yeah i didnt get that either Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
