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Insight into some common sticking points

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gobstopper    125

First of all, I'm gonna say none of this is my own writing, this is all directly c/p'd from a e letter thing i got, but I think it is genuinely insightful and will be helpful to almost all of the people whove posted the "help with this girl" threads. enjoy.


What was the last truly great date you had?

You know, the type that seemed to flow effortlessly, and

that helped you and your girl have a GREAT time.

It needs to be said Sam - the outing/event/place

you take your girl to is VERY important, OK?

Now, let me ask you this - if you were to meet a woman

today and take her out say, next Friday - what would your

PLAN be?

Would you even have a plan, or would you default into

dreaded "ordinary-ville" (I just made that up, it's awesome

isn't it ;-) and take her out to "dinner & a movie"?

My goal with this e-letter is to get you thinking.

Thinking in a new way about dating, and how to structure

your dates so that you and she have the best chance of

connecting and having a GREAT time.

Because, if anything is worth doing, it's worth doing great

(I almost put that "great" in caps too...)

A really great date idea is something that is often very,

very challenging for guys.

Or, it's completely unchallenging because you never think

about it...and about how valuable it is to go the extra

mile and plan a great time.

So, I am going to now give you one of my favorite date

ideas & break down as to why it is so very good.

First of all, you gotta understand that what you choose to

do with a woman on a date reveals a lot about your


So, if you fall back on "ordinary" activities, you will be

seen as - well - ordinary.

Do you want that??

In my ebook, "How To Get A Girlfriend" , I discuss how

important it is for you to get involved in your community

and then how that makes a strong, positive impression on a


This is key for many reasons, but two that I want to

highlight now are:

1) By being really "in" your community, you have more FUN,


2) You consequently know of more interesting and FUN date


Pretty simple. But, if you never branch out and try new

things you will never have a better idea for when it comes

time to plan the date.

You will then default to what everyone else does...

"dinner and a movie."


"a drink"


(that's me falling asleep after typing that)

Notice I highlight FUN above (actually, I all CAPS it, to

get your attention...doing that a lot in this letter it


When considering the where/what/how/when for your night out

with "her", this should be the guiding principle for your

decisions - is it FUN.

Before we completely bemoan the classic "Dinner and a

Movie" let's at least see why it is effective, if not completely


1) It has TWO different activites;

2) It has TWO different venues.

As principles, these are very good and useful.

If you are dead-set on this, at least take her to a cool

restaurant, and an interesting flick (for New Yorkers, we

are about to have the Tribeca Film Festival - so, that would

be far more interesting than taking her to the $2 cinema to

watch "Old School" for the fiftieth time).

In case you are counting, we now have three guiding

principles in formulating a date:

1) It must be FUN;

2) It must involve more than one activity;

3) It must happen in more than one venue.

OK, so after all of that - here is a favorite, inexpensive,

FUN, date idea:

A few years ago, I met a younger girl in Los Angeles. I was

out at dinner with some friends, and noticed that she and

her friend were glancing our way from a few tables down.

So, I drew up a hangman game on a napkin and sent it over.

I think the final answer was "I Like Puppy Dogs" or something

like that - funny and cute (yes, this is a fun way to meet

women in restaurants...).

Once she got the right answer, she sent it back with her

cellphone number on it.

See how much FUN is involved in this...it's a big part of

what I teach.

Anyway, I called her the next day (yes, always call the

next day - the two/three day rule is no longer 'cool'),

and we arranged for our date.

I knew that I needed to chat with her for a bit, so that we

could at least get to know each other some - because at this

point, all we knew was that we were both fun and attracted

to each other...

But we had yet to establish any commonalities, and not

established any comfort with each other.

Comfort is CRITICAL if you want to convince someone to

carve out an evening from their schedule for you.

After about 10 minutes of simple "getting to know you

chit-chat", I suggested we get together and she agreed. We

met at an arcade off of Hollywood Blvd.

Now, it might seem childish to meet at an arcade for a

first date - but we both had fun attitudes about it, and she

got a HUGE kick out of seeing me try to play video games

(I am BAD at video games BTW, but skill level doesn't

matter - it's about having FUN).

When we entered the arcade, I decided to raise the stakes a


I purchased about $5 worth of tokens, and told her that

we would play as many games as we could, but that the

overall loser would have to buy dessert.

Big point here - I suggest avoiding dinner on a first date

- because if there is no chemistry, I don't want to be

stuck at a restaurant with someone for two hours, nor do I

want to pay for the time.

Clear Sam?

I officially absolve you of the "must" to take a woman to

dinner on a first date...totally unnecessary.

A first date is a time to get to know each other, and a

second date is a time to go deeper, over dinner.

So, we played a bunch of different games, and I was the

eventual loser.

The important thing here is that we had FUN, and there were

no awkward moments as there usually are on a first date.


Well because we had instant conversation fodder, the

activity we were sharing.

Interactive dates are GREAT for a first date.

Then, I took her to a favorite dessert spot in West

Hollywood where we had coffee and cake.

After sharing a fun hour or so with each other, moving into

a more real conversation was easy because the ice had been

broken long ago.

What makes this so effective is that it was comfortable for

both of us.

Never was there a moment where either of us felt awkward or

forced to come up with something to say. Just avoiding that

on a first date is HUGE Sam.

Just so you know, women are very reluctant often to go for

a dinner date (unless they are more familiar with the guy)

because they too don't want the discomfort of being stuck

at a dinner table with someone they don't really know.

By having the first section of our date together be with an

activity helps us both to relax, and open up.

Then, we sit down and share some conversation - which is

much easier after an hour spent together having fun.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, if you ask the girl

out, you PAY for everything, got it?

As you get to know each other more, the pay-burden can be

shared, but on a first date, the guy always pays...

YOU ask - YOU pay...simple rule.

So, to sum-up:

1) FUN - try to plan an activity at the beginning of the

date which will automatically break the ice, and help you

both relax. Art galleries are great places to go, for


2) More than one activity - two things "to-do" at least.

Dinner and a movie are two different activities. I like to

be more creative and inventive. Step out of the box and

show her that you see the world differently than the

average chum...being adventurous is attractive.

3) More than one venue - by going to different places, not

only do you both relax, but you also get to see more than

just one side of someone. Environments help people

socialize around different topics. Change environments at

least once on a date. Also, by having to MOVE from one to

the other helps people to relax too as their bodies are now

engaged. May seem like a small detail, but in my experience,

this can be very helpful to both of you.

How do you know she is into you

Ever find yourself in this little scenario?

There you are, walking down the street, and you lock eyes

with an attractive woman. You both hold this stare for as

long as you possibly can.

Then, you pass her, and after a few paces, glance back only

to find she has done just the same thing. Your hear skips a

beat, and you wonder, "should I talk to her?"

If you are like most people you keep walking, regretting

that you didn't take the obvious opportunity to go for it.

Why is it that we receive an OBVIOUS social signal from a

person we are clearly attracted to, only to find ourselves

walking away from a golden opportunity?

Part of it is conditioning and part of it is fear.

Fear, a most devastating force, trains us over time not to trust

ourselves. If we did, we would know the door was wide open,

and would walk up and start a conversation.

Think about how many similar opportunities you have had, and

with a simple change in your thought pattern, what kind of

difference in your life would that mean?

I bet it's pretty big.

You know, the old "Carpe Diem" mindset which so many of

us NEVER live up to.

If a girl gives you eye contact, and holds it for just a bit

longer than is the custom, it means EXACTLY what it means

when you do the same thing...she feels that jolt of


She sees you, and feels her chemistry change in

that moment, JUST LIKE YOURS DID.

It is the magic of attraction - when you see each other, and

something in you says "yes".

What usually happens is that we pass these open doors all

the time. Sometimes it is not feasible to approach the girl.

We might have a meeting, or might be running late to work.

There are many viable reasons not to stop and talk.

I think most of us intuitively know what this magic moment

means, and we simply don't trust ourselves to go for it.

Nike said it best - Just Do It.

Another definite signal she is definitely into you is if she

smiles at you.

Sounds obvious - and it is obvious.

But, I bet you've also let that opportunity pass you by too,

haven't you Sam?

She wouldn't smile at you if she wasn't attracted to

something about you. I once knew a guy who was above

average in attractiveness, who had smiles from women all

day long...he thought they were "just being nice".

In fact, this is an opening to begin a conversation. It is a

signal that her first impression of you is a good one, and

that she would be interested in meeting you.

I recall once being at a restaurant with some friends of

mine. I had made eye contact with a woman a few tables away.

She kept getting up for one reason or another, and each time

she would she would glance our way, and then parade by our

table to reach her destination.

A friend of mine pointed this out to me. I then made my

introduction to her later in the night, and eventually dated

this woman.

Also, if a woman is in your vicinity, and she opens her body

language to you by facing you, this also is a good sign that

she is open to meeting you.

Imagine you are in a group of people, carrying on a

conversation. When you speak, she faces you with her body.

But, when someone else speaks, she turns her head to hear

them, but her body still faces you.

This indicates that she is more interested in talking with you

than with anyone else in the group.

Also, pay attention to your body language in social situations.

When you see someone that you find attractive, don't you subtly

open your body to them?

What we are doing is signaling the other person,

subconsciously, that we are interested in having a

conversation with them.

These subtle cues occur within social settings constantly.

If you can recognize them, you will begin to see that women

are communicating with men via their behavior and body

language all the time.

These are signs that, initially, she feels some attraction

for you. By noticing these, you will feel a greater amount

of confidence when making your introductions later.

One last point on these initial signs: if you notice a

woman, and she does not signal you in any of the above ways,

it might simply mean that she is preoccupied or that she

simply hasn't noticed you...YET.

In any event, go ahead and make your approach, what do you

have to lose? There are no hard and fast rules here as that

would be way too easy, and therefore, unrealistic.

Go for it anyway.

With some good conversational skills and a solid

personal style,your first impression will be great anyway.

(which you have handled by now, right Sam?)

Your chances are then very good for entering into a positive

interaction with the woman you have approached.

Here is a list of twenty-five ways women signal initial

interest to us:

1) Repeatedly glances at you from across the room

2) Walks by your location, going out of her way to be

noticed by you

3) Smiles at you

4) Positions herself so that her body is open to you,

wanting you to see her

5) In a tight environment (say, by the bar or on the subway)

will subtly, and purposely, bump you to get your

attention and prompt an "excuse me"

6) Stands close to you, subtly encroaching on your personal


7) Repeats herself, and talks about boring things to keep

the conversation going

8) Asks you personal questions

9) Ignores her friends or cellphone to keep talking with you

10) Touches you in any way while speaking with you

11) Compliments you

12) Talks about you in any way to other people

13) Introduces you to her friends

14) Flirts with you

15) She asks you her name early in the conversation

16) Brags about something in her life, trying to impress you

17) Laughs at things you say

18) Talks for a longer than normal amount of time

19) She fills in awkward pauses

20) She agrees to spend time alone with you; even a small

side conversation at a party, bar, or other social setting

21) Asks if you are single

22) Fixes her hair, clothes, makeup, etc

23) Plays with her hair while talking with you

24) Agrees with everything you say

25) Has that "doggy dinner bowl" look - her eyes glaze over

and her lower lip pouts. This one's a biggie!

You don't have to witness all of these to know if she is

into you or not. As few as one or two may all you get.

Confidence and Inner Game

Act as if you've already achieved your goal

This is a super-important concept. If you want to develop your inner game, act like you already have it. Convince yourself that all women love you - or at least act like this was true. Carry yourself and act like you are already living in sexual abundance, and that attracting women is no big deal for you. Think about this concept. How do you think you'd act differently from how you are acting now, if you already had the amount of success with women that you are dreaming of? How would it change the way you perceive yourself?

Detach yourself from the outcome

Imagine you have two supermodels in your bed every night. How would that affect the way you act in the night club the same night? Much like I talked about acting as "if you are already there" in the last paragraph, the way you'd act knowing you had supermodels to come home to would be different than if you hadn't been with a woman in three months. The difference is that when you have two supermodels in your bed regardless what happens in the night club then you don't care what happens in the nightclub. In other words, you have detached yourself from the outcome of every interaction that night.You don't stand or fall depending on the outcome of the night - and you definitely won't let the outcome shake or stir up your inner game. Savoy told me that when he was starting out, he would make sure he had a booty call set up for the end of the night so he didn't feel outcome-based pressure.

Be in the moment

Getting out of your head and enjoying the moment is crucial to draw people into your reality and help you make the most of your inner game. This can be hard if your brain is overfull of theories and contingencies that you haven't mastered. If you're new, start with the chapter "what you need to know if you're going out tonight" from Magic Bullets. When you have that down, get the interview with myself and Mr. M (also an inner game master) on The Right Way to Learn Game (or download it instantly here). Absorb content in bite-size chunks. It's the guys who have read and watched and listened to everything under the sun before they've approached anyone that have the most trouble being in the moment.

For more advanced guys, that's why we have the Advanced Interview Series. I think anyone who plans to get good at this stuff should subscribe to the interview series - each interview is manageable chunks of news you can use focused on one specific topic. So you get a month to digest and master each topic before moving on to the next one. And then when you're ready for the next jump you can pick the next skill to master from our previous volumes (CD catalogue here; instant download catalogue here).

This is also why it's crucial to master the core techniques so you're not thinking of them in the moment. Make sure you know the Emotional Progression Model from Magic Bullets and how each of the stages work. Make sure you have your core routines down (The Love Systems' Routines Manual is a great resource for building your own routines and for comparing them with the hundreds of routines listed word-for-word that I and other Mystery Method instructors have developed and use).

Don't worry about what women think of you

In fact, you shouldn't worry about what anyone thinks of you. If you engage your inner game, you can't be afraid to put your personality on the line, and you can't get away with "putting up a little act." You've got to be truly attractive all the time, because it's something that you are supposed to be, not something you are doing or acting out.


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Aaron    2031


on a date the most important thing to do is keep bouncing to different places so that she associates you and herself in lots of different scenarios which makes her more comfortable. its also a good idea to help her familirise herself with wherever you want to fuck her.

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ecko    25

on a date the most important thing to do is keep bouncing to different places so that she associates you and herself in lots of different scenarios which makes her more comfortable. its also a good idea to help her familirise herself with wherever you want to fuck her.


I didn't read it all, I skimmed through it a bit. But the majority is all about what to do when you got someone already. Most of the topics hear on girls are "how" to get one, not "what to do". It seemed like a good read for anyone, though.

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gobstopper    125

i disagree completely on this first part of what you said, what ive posted outlines ways to suceed on a first date, how to know she is into you (you shouldnt be wondering this when youre with someone or "already have someone"), and finally just inner game, self confidence etc, which can apply to almost every aspect of life, including areas outside of women

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Tbh most of the guys problems are just lack of confidence, not not being able to read signals. Unless they're fucking idiots.

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Aaron    2031

they lack substance.

i see so many posts on this forum where they don't know how to open or carry on a conversation.

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Guys don't actually need to "carry" the conversation just steer it. Semantics, but still =/

Besides Aaron any of the losers can fucking have everything from Mystery to Strauss memorized, but if they don't have the balls to put it into play then it's useless.

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Aaron    2031
Guys don't actually need to "carry" the conversation just steer it. Semantics, but still =/

Besides Aaron any of the losers can fucking have everything from Mystery to Strauss memorized, but if they don't have the balls to put it into play then it's useless.

substance isn't routines. you can't keep stacking routines. eventually you have to show the girl why you're so out of this world. thas where i think lots of people here fail in terms of that they don't even know what to say or the conversations "wander"

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gobstopper    125

another helpful thing about initiating a kiss:

Dear Stephen,

Recently, I was out on a date with a great girl I met at a party. A number of times in the evening, she would look at me and hold the stare a bit longer than usual. I kept thinking, "she wants me to kiss her". I was so nervous though, that I never went for it! What is the best way to set-up a kiss with a girl? I mean, I know how to kiss her, I just wonder if there is a cool way to make the move. Help!




Darren, Darren, Darren...I feel your pain, man. First of all, don't worry - this is by far the TOP question I get from guys. "How do I smoothly go from talking to kissing?"

Surprisingly, even the most skilled guys I've come across are constantly looking to handle this tricky situation a bit better.

Here we go - the step-by-step guide to being super smooth when it's time to smooch:

In my estimation, this is where most guys blow it. They know the girl is ready to be kissed, yet they freeze up and pass a bunch of good opportunities to make a move,waiting for that perfect one. Even worse, they'll wait hoping the woman will make the first move.

If you're the kind of guy who hesitates, I got news for you... There are no perfect windows of opportunity, just many good ones, and 99% of the time she will not be the first to initiate any form of intimacy. If she does, consider yourself lucky.

How do we handle this slightly awkward situation? Very simply. The key here is spotting these good, small windows of opportunity and then taking advantage of them. Still better is to just create these windows yourself. I have covered a lot more steps in my e-book " How To Get A Girlfriend" but for now I have just illustrated a basic technique.

Let's cover this point-by-point:

1) The first thing to make sure of is that you're both having a good time, getting along well and physical contact has been established. It could be anything from holding hands, to a playful push on the shoulder. At this point it is important that she has touched you in some way indicating interest on her part.

2) When you feel you have reached this point, start slowing down the energy of the interaction. Start subtly moving a bit closer to her, slowing down your speech, and take longer pauses between sentences. The thought here is SUBTLE.

3) Now here's the secret, the one move that will assure you to be remembered by her as the smoothest guy ever... During each of those pauses in your conversation,stare at her lips. You can even start talking again, though slowly, still staring at her lips. Start slowly moving in closer. The words you're saying at this point become irrelevant; the sexual tension in the air will be too thick.

4) Slowly move your eyes from her mouth to her eyes and back again. If she has not moved away, or shown any sign of unease, you can place a hand on her hip and bring her in closer.

5) Usually she will lean in the rest of the way and kiss you. After all, at this stage, your lips should only be an inch or two away from hers. Congratulations! In her mind, you are the world's smoothest man.If you have questions that you feel would be appropriate for our mailbag, send me a note by filling in the form at:http://www.how-to-get-a-girlfriend.com/about

Often, your question is on the minds of many guys. So, go ahead and ask it! Also, as you might imagine, I get a lot of emails. When you send me your question, please put "Mailbag" in the subject line.


Your Friend,

Stephen Nash

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Oceanus    1125

It's fricken' Hitch!

It's like impossible to interact that first time with a girl that's giving you some cues of interest because she's with a group of friends that you can't predict and you don't know if she's already got a lover.

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I can read most signals. I'm a great socialite, bitches think I'm charming and funny, I just hate that first 5 minute introduction. It's always so forced. I have a habit of not wanting to tell people about myself. I don't think I'm boring, I just think there are better things to talk about.

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SSJ Grumpig    5620

you're boring

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